Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Crisis point

Yesterday, I broke. Our family went to Poole- the place I went to on my one and only night away without my children, which I hoped could become our new seaside destination of choice. And it was dreadful :( Screaming baby, the boys were their usual unthinking selves, running around and around in circles like dodgems at a fairground and Steve told them to calm down. And my mum told me to let it go. What do you DO in a situation like that where two people that you love are going to be in conflict whatever you do? It feels like my husband and my sons are tearing me in two and that everywhere I go, people are judging me for being a bad mother. Why did she have another one? She can't handle the ones she's got. THIS is the exact phrase that I have running through my head when I catch people looking at my family, commenting on my beautiful baby son. I can't get rid of it, can't make it go away. It feels like I am constantly, constantly being judged and found wanting.
So it kept going, and then it led to an argument when we got home and a panic attack- first one this pregnancy. I hate my brain right now, I just wish it would go away. Please make it stop.
Oh, and Poole? The drive was horrendous and the tide was in. Figures.

4 comments:

Jenn said...

((((hugs))) - I have a screaming babae of my own right now but had to at least say something.

McMama said...

It sucks to feel like people are judging, but they may not be! Maybe they've been there before, and are sympathetic. And if they are judging without knowing, who cares what they think! Those aren't the kind of people whose opinions are important. (This is applecore on MDC, btw)

11 said...

You are an inspiring woman, and your family is a whole cosmic unit of amazing love. A challenging outing or three doesn't change that, just maybe your perspective on it while in the thick of it.

--Teresa

Skye said...

Awww mama, hugs!

I can not imagine for one second that people would be thinking any such thing about you. I'm quite sure that they are thinking how wise and centered you look, and how beautiful your children are.

Besides, anyone who would think anything of the kind about someone like you, doesn't deserve the energy to worry about them.